It was during the Writer’s Guild of America’s 3-month strike action earlier this year that the Neilsons and every other family in the USA learned the hard way why writers are important – not only do they save us from every Hell’s Next Top Apprentice Who Wants To Be Girlicious While Making The Band’s Biggest Loser clone, but they also make sure the fall TV season is at least worth more than Howie Mandel’s crappiest suitcase. So the scribes hit the pavement and picketed from November ’07 to February ’08–yet here in September the impact is crystal clear: the pre-primetime buzz sounds more like a lone horsefly than bee swarm. Nonetheless, we can find a few things to look forward to, like: is Dylan coming back to visit 90210 Jr.? Will Elizabeth Hasselbeck leave The View hassle-free and go hassle FOX instead? And did anybody realize those huge DirtySexyMoney billboards are actually adverts for a TV show? Let’s talk turkey…most likely lots of turkeys. Here’s an insider look at Fall’s TV sneak previews.
Fall TV Preview #1: Revenge of the Residuals
The delays caused by the strike cost us lots of new fall shows, as we’re looking at a mere 22 until the rest of the newbies arrive in January, with basically none making any waves. What that means is that where TV critics and couch potatoes are usually checking out a fresh feast of possibilities, we’re instead re-sampling mediocre sophomore crumbs like Eli Stone, Lipstick Jungle and the aforementioned DirtySexyMoney–all of which have received a second lease on life when on any other season they would face imminent cancellation. Good news if you’re a fan of any of these bubble-riders: these tightropers will all be getting punched-up storylines and scripts like what.
Fall TV Preview #2: Return Of The Sideburns?
Neat how the CW somehow staged a coup by making Dylan the baby daddy on 90210: The Next Generation–“somehow” as in somehow people were actually thinking that the magic-in-a-bottle the original series caught could ever be duplicated – quickly evident in the huge ratings fall-off from its premiere to the following weeks. If you have half a brain and despise this awful potboiler, take heart: the best part about Next Generation is that its predecessor killed the careers of its entire cast, which is the only reason we’re seeing Jennie Garth and Shannon Doherty at all on this revamp. But Luke Perry? Don’t true Beverly Hills fans remember he actually left the show the first time to find success, only to be forced to return? Word has it he has learned from his mistakes, and while he has been involved in “talks” and floated some scripts, he really, really would rather try to find the same luck his former cast-mate found Brian Austin Green found on with Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Ouch…sorry Luke.
Fall TV Preview #3: Uncool Rules!
Speaking of Terminator, those who like their TV outside the box are already enjoying new episodes of our favorite invincible droid. We’re already aware that Cameron has some CPU damage, and even though she tried to off John herself, his faith in the sexy droid kept her juice on…but sources say her glitches are far from over, and she’ll be experiencing more strange and potentially deadly consequences. We also hear that one major character gets the axe…literally (no official word on who, but maybe we’ll be seeing David Silver later this year after all?).
In the little town of Smallville, Lex is MIA (actor Michael Rosenbaum quit), while a very Sarah Palin-like lady named Tess is causing some serious Luther-like headaches. Lana’s gone too, but she’ll be returning later this year, just as Lois and Clark start realizing they’re both hot for each other. But worst of all for CK (as comic fans decry “How can this possibly be done right?”), Superman-killer behemoth Doomsday arrives–in the form of actor Sam Witwer.
In other news, Lost fanboys are sweating bullets over the absence of spoilers: we hear knocked-off characters Locke and Jin will make appearances in some form, Kate will encounter Sawyer, and basically nothing else. We have a feeling the ABC execs force the writers into a game of guess-the-plot so even they don’t know what they’re writing about.
Heroes fan will get to see Ali Larter and Hayden Panettiere cross paths (yum), and the villains come aboard to shake things up with some seriously eeevil powers. Score one for the technorati and computer nerds: the sci-fi shows are putting out the most spoilers in a bid to generate buzz.
Fall TV Preview #4: Paging Dr. Ross?
But back to the topic of returning faves, as one question burns in the mind of every ER fan: Clooney yes or Clooney no? Now that the show is finally ready to accept defeat and unplug life support, we'll see all sorts of familiar faces in the coming months–like Noah Wyle and Anthony Edwards (yeah, his character is dead – so what?). Noah has publicly denied inquiries into an Eriq La Salle cameo, but he has no idea about either George or other erstwhilER Juliana Margulies. Edwards recently said that Clooney “would be a fool not to” (ooh, peer pressure!!) and the Oceans auteur has maintained a good relationship with ER producers, and more than a few insiders feel confident that nothing, not even an intensifying bromance with Brad Pitt will keep Dr. Doug from making one more housecall.
Fall TV Preview #5: Now a FOX-y Lady?
Perhaps the biggest question right now is “Hasselbeck…Out?” After the lone bimbo Bushie has struggled in vain to get her points across The View’s staunchly liberal co-anchors for years, word has it she is ready to bounce. It was only a couple of weeks ago that Barbara Walters went queen-bee style on the young Republican, telling Hasselbeck during a super-heated yell-fest to “calm down” on-air, and then off-air reportedly ordering her to "relax or seek employment elsewhere." Enter The Murdoch: FOX apparently jumped up and offered Elisabeth an anchor spot with the “fair and balanced” network, so for those of you who would like to be done with the dinosaur-doubter, you may have your chance.
Fall TV Preview #6: A Dash Of Dirt
Now we're not generally into spoilers here, so we'll try and make nice. Are Grey’s Anatomy’s Callie and Erica moms-to-be? Well…you probably should focus more on the very LOUD rumor that there may be– possibly–the appearance of a new female temptation who complicates matters for the Sapphic duo…
…and how about the lovely ladies on Wisteria Lane? Desperate Housewives loves to get freaky, but the grapevine is delivering something positively icky: it seems that one of the neighbors finds out her own child has a crush on her! Her own kid! Ever hope a rumor wasn’t true?
P.S. There are plenty more tidbits to share, but they're so lame you’ll think we’re lame just for telling you about them. Best advice for this year’s Fall season: don’t nuke your TiVo oldies just yet – the way things are shaping up, this fall you may need them.